Faith

Well, lets get right to it.  I’m a Christian.  Not a perfect one to say the least.  I’ve made many BIG mistakes in my walk.  However, it doesn’t change my desire to follow Christ. I’ve worked in ministry for 8 years and recently have found my self in a new season outside organized ministry.  I spent many years in my life before Christ as an atheist, and after many years feeling empty and wondering if there was something more; I started to see the fingers of God moving in my life.  After wrestling with God for 5 years I finally surrendered at the age of 23.  I fell in love with Jesus, but have found early on that I still have my flesh wrestling with God.  As I continue this journey I find that God’s love is bigger then my sin, my flesh, my foolishness.  He has been standing there the whole time.

You may be 1 of 3 types of people reading this; the doubter, the judge, the compassionate.  Now I know there are more then 3 but this tends to be the basic types that I find.  If your doubting; I did too.  If your judging; I did too.  If your compassionate; I’m learning that now.

You see, for years I was angry at circumstances of my life.  How growing up was so hard and seeing how imperfect things were.  I had a hard time believing God could/would let me go through some of the things I had to go through.  It was only through many years that I found that I was blaming God for man.  I realized He never wanted any of that, but He allows us to make choices and our choices affect others.   Because of my anger and hurt, I walked away from God when I was very young.  I was the doubter.

After wondering through life and realizing that nothing really made me happy, I started looking to God knowing that there must be something more.  As I looked, He began to reveal Himself.  As He revealed Himself, I would run and the wrestle began.  After many years, I finally surrendered.  I started going to church and living “right”.  However, as I continued with the Lord, I slowly started finding my piety became a platform that I used to judge others.  I began to pick apart other people’s walks, blinded of my own shortcomings.  Over the years I think the Lord was very patient with me.  However I really needed a wake up call. I was not God and had no place judging people the way I did.

I think that’s why God had to humble me.  I’ve recently been able to see myself by being on the other end of my own judgment.  My old pastor said, “Your sin on you looks like it needs to be judged, your sin on me looks like it needs to be forgiven.” That is so true.  Through my experiences, I’ve become more compassionate to others.  I realize now that it’s all about 2 core principles.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength & love your neighbor as yourself.  I still find myself getting tripped up, wrestling with God.  I judge, and I come back to the simple point that I can’t seem to do this. I can’t seem to be as good as I want to be.  Then left going back to God and He continues to love me.  I’m learning the power of the cross and the “mystery” of the gospel.  I’m forgiven, not by how good I am, but what He did on Calvary.  I’m discovering Gods love. When I meditate on that I realize that I’m going to Heaven.  I’m not condemned, and when I realize I’m forgiven, true joy comes forth.

I realize I have consequences to my actions.  But Jesus still stands there loving me through it.  However, this forgiveness that I’ve found needs to be treated with appreciation.  My hope is that if you’ve spent the time reading this, you’ll search your own heart to see if your in one of these categories.  If your doubting, there is more to this than just some philosophy.   If your thinking about how off I am, consider how you would feel if you were in my position.  If you can understand, share that love with someone that is struggling.